Who will win the Oscar?

If you are filling out your Oscar Ballot and are not sure which box to check then this is the article for you. A quick, no nonsense guide to choosing the big – and not so big – winners! Trust me, I’m a somewhat respected critic in two groups. I know, right?

WRITING (ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY)

The Lobster The key word here is original. Nothing is more original than this.

WRITING (ADAPTED SCREENPLAY)

Hidden Figures Just do the math. The numbers don’t lie. Or the words. Whatever.

VISUAL EFFECTS

The Jungle Book I know Dr. Strange was pretty bad a– but they did Jungle Book with no jungle. Horrible movie but the category is not Visual Effects for a good film.

SOUND MIXING

La La Land It has singing and dancing. For some reason the Academy thinks that is hard to mix. (hint: It really isn’t)

SOUND EDITING

La La Land Because they will have already given it mixing and will be confused as to why those are different.

SHORT FILM (LIVE ACTION)

Sing Because there is no way anyone could watch all five nominees and not pick Sing. Not even the Academy.

SHORT FILM (ANIMATED)

Pearl This was the only one with heart. Yes Piper is Disney but the bird was boring.

PRODUCTION DESIGN

Arrival Only because Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them would be impossible to engrave in that little space

MUSIC (ORIGINAL SONG)

City of Stars Because once it is in your head it. will. not. go. away.

MUSIC (ORIGINAL SCORE)

La La Land Because it is a musical and well we know that music is hard.

MAKEUP AND HAIRSTYLING

Star Trek Beyond How else could Chris Pine’s hair do that?

FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM

Man Called Ove  What’s not to ove?

FILM EDITING

La La Land Not once did I see the splice tape

DOCUMENTARY (SHORT SUBJECT)

Extremis Your friends will be impressed you got this right

DOCUMENTARY (FEATURE)

I Am Not Your Negro Sorry, our sensitive culture will not allow me to say anything funny or snarky

DIRECTING

Damien Chazelle La La Land They were dancing! You know how hard that is to direct??

COSTUME DESIGN

Jackie Pink dress? Check.

CINEMATOGRAPHY

La La Land They made LA seem warm and inviting of outsiders

ANIMATED FEATURE FILM

Zootopia The animals talked. And wore pants. Hello.

ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE

Viola Davis A billion critics can’t be wrong

ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE

Mahershala Ali And then let’s all hope John Travolta is presenting

ACTRESS IN A LEADING ROLE

Natalie Portman But don’t blame me when Emma Stone wins

ACTOR IN A LEADING ROLE

Denzel Washington Because there are more SAG members in the academy than press people

BEST PICTURE

La La Land Then act mad but silently cheer when Hidden Figures wins

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